you know, i can't wait for the school year to end.
because then i don't have to look at people and worrying about messing up.
when the school year ends, i'll have 2 months of not being overwhelmed by projects and tests and homework.
when the school year ends, i'll have enough time to think about myself and how i can make myself better.
but for now, i'm here. stuck in this constant chain of events. disappointing, really. i thought i was cured.
for some reason, around april and may, i get so depressed that i just can't do anything anymore. when ever something bad happens to me, it happens around april or may. could it be a cosmic reaction? because that was around the time i wanted to end my fucking life, haha.
i just feel like i need to vent a little. lot's of shit has been happening in the past few weeks and i've just been fed up with school and fed up with people. i know i have my friends who are there with me, but i always have to be so calculated around them because whatever i do or say ends up hurting at least one of them. and i just found friends, i don't wanna loose them. i have to keep my mouth shut every time i'm at school because apparently, everything that comes out of my mouth ends up hurting someone! oh, and that's not all! now i have to visit the school counselor every few weeks for my check-up. The school counselor is not gonna help me. No one in the school's faculty ever helps anybody! There was a kid in my school in 11th grade who recently committed suicide due to depression. And why was he depressed you may ask? He was bullied, to the extent that he took his own life. A few months later, his mother joined him.
Do you have any idea how fucking tragic that is?
The school environment is the reason why we kids are so depressed. The school is responsible for these tragedies. Yet, all they do is promote Anti-Bullying campaigns that THAT''s gonna do any good..."Oh no, a child put a gun to his head and shot himself, let's put up some posters so this doesn't happen again!"
Fuck this school.
I was watching the Red Band Society and I heard Emma saying this: "Because as long as I say the right thing and I act the right way, they're happy because that means that they've cured me, right?"
She's not wrong. That's just how people are sometimes. They act like they care but in reality they couldn't give a single fuck if you're okay or not. I can't trust people anymore because I always feel like people are going to hurt me.
but, you know. life. it's hard. i guess i'm just gonna have to live through it.
i'm so sorry for this post, i'm just very down right now. but, thank you for being such kind people. for making me feel at home. i'm hopeful that this doesn't last.